Writer's Workbook #5

They always told me…

They always told me I could be anything I wanted. That if I wanted to, I could touch the ocean floors or walk the moon’s surface or help people in hospitals who are sick. Everyone tells little kids that. I’m still young, but I’m here in high school and losing all direction in my life. The only advice I get is “do well in your classes and it will figure itself out”. That’s great and all, except for the fact that my entire life is collapsing in on itself from the amount of stress I’m under. School wouldn’t be that bad on its own, but I am forced to partake in a sport I used to love but can no longer bring myself to care about. Everything is crushing me with the weight of what I’m expected to do.

They always told me I was happy. That I was a bright light in the drear of people’s bad days. Now I have bad days every week and no one is able to help me. I was everyone’s cheer when they were down, but I never had one myself. I was taught that my sadness and anger was never valid, so I tried to hide it and cover it up. I tried to be happy all the time for the sake of everyone else. They always told me I was happy, so they expected me to be.

Now I find myself always unsatisfied with myself and my life. I find myself wanting to stop all the time. I want to stop with school, and with swimming, and with trying so hard at everything.

They told me I could be anything I wanted. Now I want to be gone.